[something about holding hands and running through traffic.]

languagehappens @ 2004-07-27T16:00:00

2004-07-27T20:10:28Z

sort of important:

i dyed my hair black today (it looks...pretty much the same since i did such a lousy job) and i look sort of like...bjork?

sunday my grandmother died but we were away and didn't find out until yesterday so things are sort of quiet and messy and sad and i feel really bad for my dad.

i'm moving journals (again, for no real reason...just sort of sick of all the mock emo that was going on here..) to __letthemwait which is ,yeah, the name of a song by asobi seksu. i started adding people but then got lazy because...

i started sort of writing a book (or rather typing up all of this shit that was lying around my room)

'met up' (meaning talked on the phone for awhile while he packed and then decided not to meet...but he calls that 'meeting up' but, w/e)with brian for a little bit and he's going on tour starting...i think tomorrow. he really is awesome so...yeah. love him? or something, or listen to his music, i dunno.

i'm sorry if i wrote anyone lousy letters last night.

takecare<3

languagehappens @ 2004-07-27T00:44:00

2004-07-27T04:58:26Z

[rock capital of the world?]

people who i can't wait to see again:

gus
amanda
daphnie
tiffany
rika and sally
brian
mike
chris
lucy
alex
joe
rassi
karen
monica

and everyone else at stuy...i almost (almost) want september

and for the first time in my life...all of my relatives.

insomniac style survey (borrowed from: emma, arnav, aiyanna)

basics : .
[ .001. ] first name: carolyn
[ .002. ] middle name: none...i've got a chinese one though
[ .003. ] last name: madeo (said whatever way you like)
[ .004. ] nickname(s): caro, carrie, carola, carrot, carr, 'my little princess' (only my grandmother...i swear with her i could do no wrong), kimberly (natan, don't ask), pookie/pumpkin (my parents) and once mikey called me lynn...it was weird.
[ .005. ] gender: girl
[ .006. ] age: fifteen
[ .007. ] birthday: father's day, 1989
[ .008. ] height: maybe five fourish
[ .009. ] hair color: every colour brown ever and some red
[ .010. ] eye color: brown (nothing special)

[ .011. ] race: mixed?
[ .012. ] do you wear glasses or contacts:nope
[ .013. ] do you have braces: i did for a while...
[ .014. ] is your hair long or short: medium...a little past shoulder
[ .015. ] where were you born: brooklyn
[ .016. ] current location: brooklyn, ny
[ .017. ] zodiac sign: um...i think Gemini or cancer?
[ .018. ] how many languages do you know: english and two halves?
[ .019. ] nationality: chinese - italian (or...as matt puts it...chitalian or itchinese)
[ .020. ] bad habits: zoning out
[ .021. ] piercings you have: i had my ears pierced...but then i got lazy so they closed up
[ .022. ] piercings you want: my ears again i guess...
[ .023. ] tattoos you have: none
[ .024. ] tattoos you want: i was going to get a little grey star on my ankle with claire in canada...but then there were...erm...other things?
[ .025. ] today's date: july twenty-sixth
[ .026. ] the time: eleven twenty-one pm
[ .027. ] ready for a bunch more questions: i guess...

.:.Family .:.
[ .028. ] mother's name: connie
[ .029. ] father's name: sal
[ .030. ] step-parent's names, if any: nope.
[ .031. ] brother(s)'s name(s): natan...sorta
[ .032. ] sister(s)'s name(s): none
[ .033. ] favorite aunt: robin...she always wears leopard print
[ .034. ] favorite uncle: tommy...he owns enough cds to...build a house?
[ .035. ] favorite grandparent: i sorta only have one left...so my grandfather
[ .036. ] worst relative: none, they're all crazy but...it's okay
[ .037. ] best relative[s]: my cousins
[ .038. ] do you get along with your parents: it's complicated but...yeah
[ .039. ] Does anyone in your family understand you?: my mum sometimes

. : Pets : .
[ .040. ] do you have any pets: nope
[ .041. ] what are their names: n/a
[ .042. ] what kind of animals are they: n/a

. : Favorites : .
[ .061. ] number: 3
[ .062. ] clothing brand: i'm not really sure...
[ .063. ] shoes: my vans...because i drew all over them and...god. i live in them
[ .064. ] saying: i love you
[ .065. ] tv show: we just got TV...but...i love degrassi
[ .066. ] sport: skateboarding?
[ .067. ] vegetable: broccoli
[ .068. ] fruit: apples, clementines, bananas, oranges, peaches, strawberries...i love all fruits
[ .069. ] movie: moonlight mile or bread and tulips (+ a billion)
[ .070. ] actor: jake gyllenhall
[ .072. ] actress: scarlett johansson
[ .073. ] candy: skittles
[ .074. ] gum: any
[ .075. ] scent: grapefruit
[ .076. ] candy bar: plain hershey's
[ .077. ] ice cream flavor: vanilla
[ .078. ] color: pink and grey
[ .079. ] season: ack…all of them
[ .080. ] holiday: October 24th
[ .082. ] guitarist: mike kinsella or…brian bonz (j/k)
[ .083. ] group: modest
[ .084. ] rapper: joe
[ .085. ] type of music: indie lo-fi (alt/emo/rock)
[ .086. ] thing in your room: bob Marley poster <3
[ .087. ] place to be: Amanda's or on the subway
[ .088. ] radio station: they all suck…
[ .089. ] tv channel: vh1 (I love the 90's…I watched it from 1am - 5am)
[ .090. ] junk food: candy
[ .091. ] overall food: thai
[ .092. ] store: h&m
[ .093. ] shoe brand: vans
[ .094. ] fast food: none
[ .095. ] restaurant: not sure…
[ .096. ] shape: hearts
[ .097. ] time of day: 2 am.
[ .098. ] country: japan/Vietnam
[ .099. ] state: cali
[ .100. ] boys name: owen
[ .101. ] girls name: lucy
[ .102. ] mall: fulton? It's the only one I ever go to
[ .103. ] video game: I like watching daphnie play tetris?
[ .104. ] shampoo: oh…that weird cucumber smelling stuff natan uses
[ .105. ] board game: SORRY
[ .106. ] computer game: aol?
[ .107. ] car: jeeps make me laugh
[ .108. ] music video: oh…float on
[ .109. ] swear word: fuck
[ .110. ] word: happy
[ .111. ] month: july or december
[ .112. ] cartoon character: definitely ninja turtles
[ .113. ] scary movie: does Donnie darko count?
[ .114. ] team: that means watching sports…
[ .115. ] possession: camera

[[skipping a whole bunch]]

. : Private life : .
[ .186. ] are you gay: nope
[ .187. ] do you have a crush: yup
[ .188. ] do you love anyone right now: i love lots of people. And I love gus.
[ .189. ] have you ever been in love: I…think…so
[ .190. ] how many people have you kissed: (non truth or dare) probably around ten
[ .191. ] who was your first kiss: zach the little bmx punk boy
[ .192. ] how many hearts have you broken: brian is a liar so…one
[ .193. ] how many people broke your heart: one…totally smashed to pieces but…it was reciprocal and now we're friends…so it all works out well?
[ .194. ] best quote to sum up love: sigh…perfect sonnet
[ .195. ] so what is your bf/gf/crush like: awesome.
[ .196. ] do you have a picture of him/her: yup
[ .197. ] please post it if you do: look back enough pages and there's a pic of him and daphnie and the 60 proof craziness stolen from amanda's dad
[ .198. ] do you have a picture of yourself: yeah
[ .199. ] please post it if you do: ack, just look far enough back
[ .200. ] do you go by looks or personality: personality
[ .201. ] ever kiss a friend: yes
[ .202. ] are you still friends: yes…sorta, but not because of the kissing
[ .203. ] do you smoke: when I can
[ .204. ] do you smoke weed: yeah.
[ .205. ] ever trip on acid: nope
[ .206. ] how about a little x: nah
[ .207. ] crack, heroin, anything else: haze and diesel…but that's all just really pot.
[ .208. ] beer good or beer bad: beer bad
[ .209. ] are you the sissy who drinks wine coolers: nope
[ .210. ] do you like smirnoff ice: haha yeah…
[ .211. ] prefer beer or liquor: liquor
[ .212. ] what kind of cigarettes do you smoke: right now my commies…but…when Amanda gets back stuyvesants!
[ .213. ] are you sic: …hmm?

. : Would you ever : .
[ .215. ] bungee jump: um…alright?
[ .216. ] sky dive: gladly!
[ .217. ] swim with dolphins: sure
[ .218. ] scuba dive: okay
[ .219. ] go rock climbing: I guess I sort of have?
[ .220. ] eat shit for $1,000,000: no thanks
[ .221. ] turn your back?: huh?
[ .222. ] steal a friend's boyfriend/girlfriend: no
[ .223. ] cross-dress: um…sure?
[ .224. ] lie to the police: i have.
[ .225. ] run from the police: I guess I sort of have?
[ .226. ] lie to your parents: yeah…
[ .227. ] walk up to a stranger and kiss them: too scared
[ .228. ] be an exotic dancer: omg. No. never
[ .229. ] walk out of a restaurant without paying: no…that's so mean
[ .230. ] streak: um…NO

. : Your friends : .
[ .231. ] best friend: Amanda//tiffany
[ .232. ] known longest: natan! Since I was five months old
[ .233. ] wish you talked to more: natie
[ .234. ] wish you saw more: brian, sometimes. And. I dunno everyone from packer
[ .235. ] how many friends do you think you have: people count their friends?
[ .236. ] who drives you insane after a while: lucy / Karen / john / zach
[ .237. ] who can you stay around forever and never get sick of: Amanda // tiff // rika // alex // syd // gus in especially but really most of my friends
[ .238. ] ever lose a good friend because you took it to the 'next level': sorta…but we were lousy friends to begin with (and we were pretty bad at dating too…)
[ .239. ] craziest: little demitri // ARRIE // nicole
[ .240. ] loudest: tiff when she wants to be or Martha…joe…
[ .241. ] shyest: natan or ellen…linzy
[ .242. ] best hair: alair
[ .243. ] can always make you laugh: JOE or really everyone at third period and lunch
[ .244. ] best eyes: brian
[ .245. ] best body: all of them
[ .246. ] most athletic: monica or syd
[ .247. ] sex symbol: god…everyone is gorgeous .
[ .248. ] hot tempered: maria or Karen
[ .249. ] most impatient: we're all too lazy to be impatient
[ .250. ] shortest: lucy or maria…or ellen…or little greg (when we see him)
[ .251. ] tallest: either zee or gus
[ .252. ] talented: all of them
[ .253. ] best singer: uh…brian bonz
[ .254. ] skinniest: all! They're all too thin! (but totally gorgeous/handsome)…and of course there's rassi…
[ .255. ] nicest: rassi, but…god. Really everyone. Ack…all of my friends are really nice…
[ .256. ] best personality: can't choose. I love them all
[ .257. ] biggest drug user: rucshaun or zee ' Robbie when he was alive

. : Have you ever : .
[ .258. ] flashed someone: nope
[ .259. ] told the person you liked how you felt: mm hmm
[ .260. ] been to michigan: hehe yes…
[ .261. ] gotten really REALLY wasted: yup.
[ .263. ] skateboarded: yes yes yes
[ .264. ] skinny dipped: by accident (other wise known as thanks to mike boyscout)
[ .265. ] stolen anything: ugh…
[ .266. ] wanted to kick my ass for making this so long: not really.
[ .267. ] kicked someone's ass: I don't think I could
[ .268. ] pegged someone in the head with a snowball: yup (mr. novikoff)
[ .269. ] broke a beer bottle: yup.
[ .270. ] gotten into a bar, under-aged: yup…but not to drink…just to take pics
[ .271. ] kissed someone of the same sex: nope
[ .273. ] gone on a road trip: soooooooooooo many
[ .274. ] gone on vacation without adult supervision: snowboarding with nat and max
[ .275. ] been to a weird place: sure
[ .276. ] been to another country: yes.
[ .277. ] talked back to an adult: like…twice
[ .278. ] got pulled over: nope
[ .279. ] got in a car accident: yes.
[ .280. ] broke a law: yeah.
[ .281. ] given money to a homeless person: yes.
[ .282. ] tried to kill yourself: ugh…yeah
[ .283. ] cried to get out of trouble: yes.
[ .284. ] kissed a friend's brother or sister: yeah.
[ .285. ] kissed a brother or sister's friend: n/a
[ .286. ] dropped something on the floor that you were cooking and let someone eat it anyways?: uh…no

. : Opinions : .
[ .287. ] what do you think...about pop music: ohhhhhhh only TOXIC!
[ .288. ] about boy bands: oh man
[ .289. ] about flag burning: sure…if you want
[ .290. ] of the war on terrorists: if you're starting a war then you're a terrorist to someone…right?
[ .291. ] about suicide: I still love Robbie? I guess that's all I can say
[ .292. ] about people who try to force their opinions on you: not cool
[ .293. ] about abortion: pro-choice.
[ .294. ] about rock/metal music: omg…kittie
[ .295. ] where do you think you'll be in 10 years: still trying to graduate from stuy…
[ .296. ] who do you think you'll still be friends with in 5 years: hopefully everyone but definitely natan, tiff, Amanda/daphnie, syd, brian, chris and hopefully gus

. : What did you do : .
[ .297. ] last birthday: went to philip's friend's house and got really stoned with Amanda, daphnie, sam and greg…but before that i took my bio regions and wandered around with tiff and saw gus at amanda's…my godmother's funeral…it was crazy
[ .298. ] yesterday: drove home from ohio
[ .299. ] last weekend: siren fest
[ .300. ] christmas: sat in the bath tub at my uncles house and wrote poetry while my cousin talked on the telephone and everyone else fought…and my uncle and parents got drunk (we are sooooooooooo not fucked up)
[ .301. ] thanksgiving: cooked…alot
[ .302. ] new year's: natie's house! And talked on the phone with nat and monica while everyone else watched sex and the city.
[ .303. ] halloween: went to kara's and then to karen's…talked on the phone with a drunk brian at like…5am
[ .304. ] easter: cooked alot
[ .305. ] valentine's day: um…that was February

languagehappens @ 2004-07-26T19:19:00

2004-07-26T23:20:45Z

this is the most retarded and childish thing to say but.

i'm so tired of people dying.

there's nothing that you can ever ever do to make it better.

[ohio!]

2004-07-23T04:10:30Z

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

tomorrow i'm heading out for cleveland, ohio (to visit frank lloyd wright houses and the rock and roll hall of fame, no one ever said my family was cool...) and possibly (if he's feeling up to it) a visit to chris on monday. i hope that everyone who went to the good life had an awesome time. my cell'll be on the whole time...but i'm only gonna be gone until monday (then tues. is a rain check w/ b.bonz) so um. yeah. i'm totally contactable even though you prolly won't need to.

much love,

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥carolyn♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

[edit]gus, the song i had stuck in my head wasn't ozma...it was...the ataris (carnage) awesome song...sorta

[hisfaceheldtheweightlikeahundredyearoldsculpture.]

2004-07-22T22:56:56Z

[pulled by the strings.]

things that made me happy today:

seeing gus
being with gus
wandering around the city
listening to modest mouse
smoking ciggarettes

languagehappens @ 2004-07-21T20:22:00

2004-07-22T00:33:03Z

[i miss those grey days.]

things i'm looking forward to:
tomorrow in general (although, it is most definitly going to suck...because we always suck alone)
finding out if tiff and i are 'trendy'
the next time it rains
running away...
and coming home again!
amanda (and daphnie!) to come back from greece
possibly being able to hand chris my mix for him personally
joe and natan and alex and rika and sally and max and rassi comming home
whenever i get to see gus (i think we've offically been apart longer then together now!)
finnishing up my (insomniac) web page (http://www.angelfire.com/emo2/theverylastsecond/)
starting up guitar lessons
going to film classes
helping brian out with his tour/being his groupie ( - the sex and other sexually related things)
joe's party
eventually riding the cyclone
going with mike to modest?
visiting denny in ocean city
august 16th...just because

[allthemommasandthepapasputtheirhandsonarecordhand.]

2004-07-21T05:13:10Z

[this was my wall in my dorm.]

things today that made me happy!:
talking to/seeing rassi
hanging out in Penn...
and k-mart
talking to tiff alot
having a set date to see brian (thursday!!! i love this boy! he said i can hug him for as long as i like!)
getting an e-mail from amanda...the most rad girl in the entire world
clips of bush in moore's new movie
wearing lime green shoes and a polka dot mini skirt
starting to read 'the curious incident of the dog in the night'
running three miles

[itsbeenhappyjoyfulfun.][but.]

2004-07-20T05:55:02Z

♥ i gi♥e up. ♥

[i'm such a dumb little girl.]

2004-07-19T13:41:03Z

i'm just really sorry that i thought

felt

said

meant

wanted

worked for

any of those things.

[i'm such a dumb little girl.]

[sirenfest.]

2004-07-18T23:37:16Z

it took awhile to actually get out of the door but i did (i promise) and took the 2/3 to the Q. listening to good news for people who love bad news and talking to a man with a guitar who wasn't famous no matter how much he looked like ian brooke. and it was quiet and empty by the time i got to coney island because it was only twelve am and so i walked around for awhile, leaving nice messages for people who were obviously asleep or away and taking so many photographs. stuck my feet in the ocean and didn't even think of trying to find that stupid pill bottle. around fourty minutes later i met up with alex f. and we wandered around coney island for a bit debating weather to ride the cyclone or not and trying to talk to band members through the barbed wire. some of the bands were really amazing but mostly, to be honest, the sound quality was pretty crappy and so was the energy level of everyone there. alex and i made a fool of ourselves clapping and yelling and head banging. having fun pretending we were dating by holding hands and hugging all of the time (but nothing more, honest) and then vue played and we both agreed that they were the next big thing. all of the people we tried to call had forgotten and got lost and what not so it was pretty pointless in the end until rika came and the three of us bummed around for awhile talking and avoiding listening to most of the music by watching people in the carnival and talking to the freak show guys. around an hour later alex cut out and rika and i met up with brian, denny, mike r (not s, which would have been nicer...), julian the european man and a bunch of indie looking girls who were all apparently in bands too. brian was so perfect and sweet which was a nice change and he joked around and there was lots of tickling and laughing and no more of those stupid 'do you remeber when we...' and i guess i was sort of in a bad mood but he fixed that and they all used really crappy fake id's to buy beer and cigarettes. rika and i stayed with them for around an hour or so until we decided to wander around and they wanted to go pick people up from cyclone stadium. rika and i sat down by the beach and ate french fries and talked about everything but mostly what we needed to say and we bunked into brian again but lost him in the crowd and there were lots of phone call messages between the two of us but then death cab started to get ready to play so we decided to meet up later. rika and i snaked are way up from the back towards the front by some other hardcore (old school) death cab fans with names like 'iowa' and 'lizziabeth' and we all took pictures and were obnoxius by yelling the words to the songs at the tops of our lungs. all and all it was an amazing set and rika and i cut out before the encore to get to the subway. we never did find brian again who finnally called when we were by avenue m or n or q. i sat on the subway floor and it was all kind of 'just right'. and so maybe the 15 people i invited didn't all come. but i'm glad that the ones who did did.

{ <3 }

[alright.]

2004-07-17T06:45:27Z

cwp488 [12:00 AM]: i know that you are home, but i'm not going to call you now because it is too late for me to make phone calls (i try not to after 9ish, 10 at the latest). tomorrow, i may be in vermont, as well as sunday, and i won't be able to do so then because i can't use cell phones anymore. so, i'll try to call monday. if not then, not tuesday, because of chemo. but if not by then, i'll see if i'll be able to call. because i'll be feeling sick and the works. but i will give you a call.

cwp488 [12:00 AM]: and i got your letter. i must admit, i was a bit confused. but i have a couple of things to say. first, you have absolutely nothing to be sorry about as far as i can see, so don't be. don't be sorry for writing, and it wasn't selfish of you; i always love hearing from you. second, i'm glad to hear that you are... well off, satisfied almost, with who you are. or at least that's what i kinda inferred. i actually don't know what i'm saying anymore, well, i know what i'm saying, and, no, but i don't know what i was going to say.

cwp488 [12:00 AM]: so now i'm going to go to bed, and hope my hair stops falling out. so, good night, and i hope you have a pleasant weekend

i'm home again.

let's fall in love all over again? just a thought because you're a kind boy and i'm a sad girl. <3

languagehappens @ 2004-07-08T21:39:00

2004-07-09T01:41:22Z

i kept on saying 'oh god, c--- i'm so sorry.'

and all he'd answer back was 'it's okay, i guess i deserved it.'

but it's strange to think of what he must be feeling.

do kids who self mutilate continue to even when they're dying from cancer?

i'm praying now.

languagehappens @ 2004-06-15T19:29:00

2004-06-15T23:31:04Z

thanks. but.

iamsobadatthis.

~~fuckit~~

languagehappens @ 2004-06-09T21:44:00

2004-06-10T01:49:06Z

i miss tiffany

the end.

{♥}

i'm sorry i went friendsonly and you are asian and have a xanga